New Years Eve

So I'm sitting in Bowie on computer watching my boyfriend play video games on his xbox and I realize that maybe this is a good time for me to reflect. This year has gone by so fast and has been a year I think I won't forget, even if I wanted to. People have been lost this year, fights have occured and friends have been split apart. But at the same time I feel like I have found new friends who are very dear to me, I have become a more responsible person for myself. I have worked hard to make sure that my new year will be something that turns my lifestyle into something healthy and happy.

I know this is something selfish to say but I feel as though I have not done enough for myself. My priorities for others and other responsibilities have led me off track. I almost lost my chance to stay in college. I will never let that happen again. I can't. It's not an option. I am working to be a healthier person and a happier person. I know it will take time but I think that involves taking care of myself and my thoughts first. While some people may think it's selfish, I think it's my only solution. I don't know how many times I've heard "You can't help anyone unless ou help yourself first". I want to make this new year my happiest yet.

I want to be able to talk to people without having to turn it into something bad or having them think to themselves "When will she shut up?" I want to be a better person overall.

Winter Break

So far break has been pretty good. I still have a lot to do though. I have to get all of my music learned and memorized (even though I don't have half of it and can't afford to buy it). I also have to do my program notes so I can submit them to my teacher and our music department. I want it all done so I can relax and enjoy my semester. All of this last minute stuff is going to end now. I can't handle all of that. On a good note I got a higher GPA this semester which makes me pretty happy. I only got 1 D which I need to fix for next semester but I didn't fail any of my classes, thank God.

I've also been working on a few things where my personal health is concerned. The binder is mostly finished which is a good thing considering it took me forever. I've been making slight changes to my lifestyle and routine to give myself better hygiene and a better feeling about myself. I make sure I brush my teeth every day, in the morning and at night. I am terrible about sticking to that routine. I also make sure I take a shower either every day or at least every other day. I like baths so I take a bath more often but I know that's not exactly doing the trick. I take my contacts out every night so that I don't get a disease in my eye. I also make sure that I get up at a decent hour so that I don't miss my entire day. I still have problems going to bed at night but I'm sure I'll figure that out. I also need to stop taking naps in the middle of the day. I only do it though because I get bored.  I feel like my life is turning out a lot better though. One thing that's really important to me is drinking a lot of water. I love water and I know it's good for me but sometimes I let temptation of juice and soda get in the way. The only problem is I have to go to the bathroom a lot. Oh well. That's a small sacrifice I'll make to be healthy. I can't wait to go back to school and start my new lifestyle. If I can make these small changes now, then I can do anything and nothing can stop me. That's my new motto I keep repeating to myself.

NOTHING CAN STOP ME EVER!!!!

Jokes

I know people are trying to joke and have fun with me but it still bothers me. I feel like when a person makes a serious change in their life, people can only joke about it. It sucks and hurts my feelings. I'm trying something new and I'm working really hard to make a change in my lifestyle and people want to do nothing but shoot it down. I don't say anything about your life so stay out of mine. Thanks!!!

Where am I going?

I am 22 years old, almost out of college, and unhealthy. I can't even walk very far without running out of breath and feeling like I'm going to pass out. What is going on? I know what it is... I let myself get this way because I didn't care about myself. I am sick and on antibiotics right now and I shouldn't have to be. It makes me sick to my stomach and feel drowsy all day...

So now I ask myself, "Where am I going?". Am I going in a direction where I will be at risk with diabetes because it runs in my family? Or am I going to stop being lazy and care about the number 1 person in my life.... ME. I saw my grandfather over Thanksgiving weekend and he looked terrible. He won't eat, won't get up, won't go anywhere, won't do anything unless someone forces him to. He's given up. I know he has reasons but I can't accept that. You should never give up. There are reasons to be healthy. I want to live a happy and healthy life and I can't wait for someone to hand that to me. I'm going to have to do this myself. I've given up about 3 times now and it's a horrible feeling of failure. I've learned what I've done wrong and what I've been missing.

So here's how it's gonna go. I have a binder filled with all of the information I need for the Eat Clean Diet. I also have pages for motivation, as well as something I like to call the "Reality Check-List". There's no going back from here. I've had people tell me they love me just the way I am. That's great but I would love me too if I was able to get up in the morning and have energy, feel more confident with my looks, not have to keep buying bigger sizes in clothes. That's not me. I will not be 160 pounds wearing size 13 jeans for the rest of my life. Just not going to happen. This is my promise to myself. I don't care if I don't have a six-pack but I do care if my BMI is down to the right number and I can walk around comfortably in clothes that make feel amazing.

It's gonna happen. There's no stopping me now.

My first day eating clean

So today I started my first day of eating clean and I love it. I love the food that I'm eating. I love the fact that I'm taking the time to not be lazy and make my own food. It makes me so happy. I'm doing something for myself and it makes me happy. I even got up early today and worked out for 40 minutes. I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. I will say I do feel a little foolish for having a breakdown in the middle of the Wal-Mart yesterday. I was so worried because I was mad at myself for spending all of my money but the food will last me so I'm happy about that. I'm gonna have to get used to drinking so much water cause that's just crazy to be drinking all of that. I'm happy though. Happier than I have been in a long time.

Update

I sit here not knowing how to feel right now. There are so many things going through my head and I ask myself how am I going to clear it all out by the time I have to go to bed. I messed up big time. I got a letter from FSU saying that because I pretty much dropped and failed classes, they are taking my financial aid away. I freaked. I can't have money taken away from me and I can't go home without a degree in my hands. This is not how this works. I wrote a letter today to appeal my financial aid. I hope they take it.

There are so many things I need to fix this summer. For starters, my attitude. I can't keep going on like this getting mad at everyone all the time and crying every five minutes. I don't have time for that and it's a waste of energy. I also need to figure out how I can stop myself from being a jealous girlfriend. Kienan and I talked about this today but that hasn't stopped me from being upset right now. I hate this. I let so many things in my past affect my relationship today. I know he won't do anything. Still bothers me though....don't know why. 

I need to fix my health. I eat nothing but garbage every day and it's getting to me. I can't fit half of my jeans anymore and I don't have the money to go and buy new clothes. I refuse to buy anything larger. It should be going down, not up. I will say that I'm grateful because I started my new job which makes me happy because I am keeping myself busy. Who can complain about that? I wish I could just have a fresh start, just wipe everything clean and go from the beginning. It would make my life so much easier.

I question a lot of things these days. I feel like everything has to be proved to me or I won't believe it or there has to be a good reason for something otherwise it has no purpose to me. I question Kienan a lot about why he is with me. And it's not that I question him using me or anything like that. It's about him staying with me even though I tend to cause a lot of problems and upset with him. I love him so much and that's one reason I want to change my attitude. I know I need to do it for myself but he is very good motivation.

So tired.... I need to clear my head.

Spring Break

I remember why I'm not a big fan of coming home. Nothing to do with my mom or anything. Just really bored. I used to have something to do every night. I've been watching movies all day and I feel so useless. I wanna write music but I'm still having writers block. I can't do anything I normally do because of the internet here. Another bummer. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something more to do. I miss Kienan too. That's another reason why I have something to do, cause of him. I guess I should start finding things by myself.

Blah

I'm feeling a little unmotivated right now. I'm not sure why but I'm getting to that point where I'm starting to lose focus. I don't know what to do to get myself back there again. Do I need to just give myself a good kick in the ass or what? I have to work out tomorrow, there's no doubt about that. I have to do this because if I don't I'm going to disappoint so many people and most of all myself. I can't do that, especially to my family and myself. I'm not quitting something else this time. I'm going to finish it this time. I just need to get back on the horse I guess.
It's been a little weird this week with the Music department. People are just all over the place with emotions and attitudes. I don't understand how hard it is to just go to class and deal with what's going on there. I've learned how to do it, now it's your turn. At this point I'm just gonna have to ignore it and do the things I would like to do because it's only gonna get worse. Playing favorites has come into the program. Who'd have thought that would have happened? I keep thinking that maybe I should say something but then again I'm sitting there thinking "Why start trouble?" I don't want to cause trouble but sometimes I feel like I need to take action on certain things. It just gets so repetitive and I get so tired of it. We'll see how things go I guess. Right now I just need to make it through my classes and worry about myself and not pay attention to petty shit. It's high school crap that I don't want to deal with.
So far I'm doing ok with my classes. I think I'm gonna have to drop the online class though cause that's something that I would have to give all of my attention to when I don't have 6 other classes going on. It's a very difficult course to keep up with and I already have a lot on my plate as far as my course schedule is concerned.
I should go to sleep but I'm having a hard time closing my eyes. Just keep trying I guess.

New Idea

So I may not be on here for a little while because I've started another blog. I know, I have way too many journals. This one is different though. I'm trying to do a blog about transformation. I'm transforming myself. I am trying this thing called P90X. It's very different. Looks very tough, but is very exciting. I actually have a little competition going with a friend of mine for motivation. I start today so I'm really excited. I've even gone grocery shopping for healthy food!! I have done pretty well so far. I had an egg white omelet this morning with spinach and mushrooms and a glass of milk. It was really good. I don't think I've ever had egg whites before as an omelet. I really enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to this transformation and I hope it not only helps my healthy lifestyle but my life in focus.

Back to School

So I'll be heading back to school tomorrow. I'm pretty happy to be going but at the same time I'm pretty scared. I've taken care of everything as far as the fraternity and classes and everything else on my list. I still have a lot more to do and now my true mission is to make it through the semester and pass all of my classes as well as do my duty of president at a 100% level. I want to stay focused and I'm gonna try every day to make sure that happens. I also want to make sure I eat healthy and stay in shape. I know he likes my "curves" and all that good stuff but I want to be back in shape so I won't be tired all the time. I'll still have my curves, cause I'm a Ragland and the curves don't ever go away lol. I'm looking forward to it all and I think things will be good but I have to make them good and make it all happen.

What a day...

This has been a crazy day. I woke up at 7 this morning with pain in my pelvis and I couldn't seem to get myself to leave the bathroom. It was awful. I woke my mom up which I felt really bad for. She ended up having to take me to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning. We didn't leave there until 11:30. It was ridiculous. They took my blood pressure three times, which I hate because it always squeezes my arm. My blood pressure was a little low which is weird. I haven't been eating bad but it may be because I haven't eaten enough. I didn't get to eat much yesterday except for some chips and a bowl of soup. I didn't get to eat today until around 12:30 when Mom and I finally got home. They gave me 3 different medications, which is weird because I won't take one of them. I think that medication is for back pain in my kidney area, which I told them that I  wasn't having any pain there, just in my pelvic area. Weird. Glad it's over though.
It scares me that I keep having this problem over and over again. They told me that I could have a tilted uterus. Kim has one too and apparently sometimes that can cause problems with having children. I have to go and see a gynocologist this summer to get checked out and figure out if that is the issue. I just can't wait for this feeling to go away. I hate having a UTI. It's the worst feeling in the world.

Friday January 15, 2010

So today has not been a great day for me physically. I'm having so many issues with my body and I really can't do much about it right now considering I'm not at home and I won't have any money until Sunday. Makes me mad. I'm still at Kienan's which doesn't make me upset cause we've had a really good time together. I think things are going to get better for us. We just have to keep this up once we get back to school.
He got his new phone today which makes him so excited, like a child on Christmas Day. I love to see him smile like that. His phone is actually really nice. I want my new phone!! I'm so sick of mine just because it's old and outdated and I'm tired of going back and forth searching for service all the damn time. The phone that I really want is too expensive but I found a cheaper and nice phone that will work for me. Mom's gonna change our plan anyways so things will work out in the end. I feel like I haven't gotten much accomplished only because I  really have nothing to do right now. Everything is written in my planner so I can't do anything until I get everything for my classes. That week is gonna be crazy.
Oh oh!!! I almost forgot. So I've given up soda and I'm trying to find ways to eat healthy again. But... I'm also gonna start working out again :-) I asked Mom for the weights and I have these videos that are really intense but they will kick my ass into shape. I'm so excited!! I just really need to stay focused on all of it and get myself healthy again. I haven't weighed myself in a while. Not that I want to but I would like to know where I stand on my BMI and what I need to get it down to. Good start to the new year.

Less than a week.

I officially have less than a week until I go back to school. I feel like I still have so much to accomplish before I actually get there. So much planning, so much packing, so many emails. It's ridiculous. So far everything has been planned out day by day so I don't stress out. My planner looks crazy. Not messy this time though so that's good.
I'm at Kienan's right now which has been going well. We didn't have a great conversation two nights ago. I think I'm just having a lot of emotional problems but nothings happening. That is going to stress me out. I don't want anymore scares. I've enjoyed being here. We've talked about a lot of things which is good. We kind of made it clear that there are a few things we should fix before we get married. I am more than willing to make that commitment as long as he is too. :-) I want this to be a great relationship and it already has been for the past year and 2 months.

Sick Day

Last night I went to bed with a temperature of 100. I haven't had a temperature like that since middle school. I was freezing though so it was weird trying to sleep. Emily was here last night. Poor thing. I don't know why her and Lucy put up with these guys. They are all just jerks. Oh well. I hope she gets home ok.

Being sick and relaxing is not an easy thing to do. I've been trying to keep myself busy for these past few weeks that the moment I actually have to sit down and relax, I don't want to. I've been straightening up and putting stuff in my planner again. It's ridiculous. I know I'm supposed to be relaxing but it's not like I'm killing myself. I still have to do stuff like apply for jobs, fill in my planner, vacuum the floor and pack a bag for Kienan's. Ugh.

Late in the evening

It's amazing how much I've gotten done today. Woke up around 10:30 today, although I probably would have slept later if Lucy hadn't gotten me up. Went out shopping for her today. She did a pretty good job shopping but she was really close to buying a dress she shouldn't buy. Where was she gonna wear the damn thing? She's better off buying shirts she'll wear all the time. Still didn't get any jeans but whatever. After that we went to Panera Bread, which I haven't had since I've been home. It was so good. I like the fact that it's healthy too cause most places I eat are not even close to healthy lol. Came home after that. I almost took a nap but I kept myself awake by cleaning up before Mama got home. She was in kind of a mood over the phone but it was fine after she got home. I cheered her up :-)

I've done so much since I've been home. I filled in dates in my planner, applied to several different jobs for the summer, looked up costs for my books, put together the agenda for the fraternity's first meeting, sent emails to everyone that needed it. I've been on a roll. I finally took a break.

Kienan called tonight and the conversation was going fine. At one point we started talking about schools and I talked about how I wanna go to Southern California. He kind of made a comment about the long distance thing and how we would possibly have to take a break, or a pause as he later put it. I was almost in tears. I honestly couldn't believe he had said that. I hate the word "break". It shouldn't be used in any relationship. Kind of upset me cause I felt like he wasn't willing to pull through our relationship like I was. He later apologized and said he didn't mean it cause he would be upset if we had to stop dating. Mom told me to not let it bother me. I'm trying but now I'm scared as to what can happen when we graduate. I wanna marry him and spend the rest of my life with him so I would hope he felt the same way. I think he was truly sorry and maybe he just wasn't thinking about what he said. I'm not gonna worry about it. Just had to get it out of my mind.

Home!

I'm finally home! Thank god cause I was getting frustrated being out there. The last day and everything has to happen all at once. Whatever, I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm just very glad to be home and relaxing in a better environment.

So I talked to Kienan today and he might be getting the Droid Eris which means he's going to get an extra phone!! I would love to have one of those phones. I've been waiting all this time to have a nicer phone than what I've been using. Yea it's only my third phone but it's been since high school. I deserve a nice phone lol. That and I need to switch plans because I'm tired of sprint and the fact that I can't use internet. Drives me nuts. What if I need to check something important?? I really hope this works cause I want that phone so bad. I looked up all the stuff about it and even looked at videos of all the things it can do. Looks awesome!!!

Scared for a bit

So last night was almost a disaster. I knew that shit was gonna happen. I called it the moment he told me there wasn't gonna be anymore trouble. I'm not stupid. I know how girls play that game. I see it way too many times. I'm sorry but I really don't like her. She has caused nothing but trouble for him, treats him like shit and acts like she's the girlfriend in the relationship. I'm sorry but umm, last time I checked, I was the one that's been dating him for two years. Yes it may not be me that's getting hurt but it's me who's the one that will sometimes calm him down if she's done something wrong again. It's me who has to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night because someone thinks that everyone should be up at the same hours she is. I don't like it and I don't like the problems it causes. I'm not trying to tell him what to do or saying that what he did was stupid but I think he gives in too easily to what she wants. I know you want to explain yourself but by doing that you create the attention for her. Who cares what she thinks you were doing? She doesn't deserve the explanation....Ok there. I've said my peace and I'm done.
Today's my last day here in South Carolina. Not sure what's going on today but I think Dad is out doing something to our car. Hmm. I'll probably go check on him a little later. It's been nice here. I do miss Mom. I don't miss home though. I'm gonna try really hard to just go about my life and ignore the things that are said to me that make me mad. I know it won't stop once I come home so I just have to deal with it. I have bigger things to concentrate on. I need to get everything together for school, and for the fraternity. This is gonna be a busy semester I can already tell.

South Carolina Day 2

Had a pretty good day today. We all went out shopping today to use our gift cards for World Market and for Target. I had to buy Lucy's wine again. Less than 3 months and she'll be able to buy her own stuff lol. We also went to Moe's for lunch today which was pretty good. Rented movies after that and came home. It was a nice evening. Had steak for dinner and then watched movies after that....

I miss Kienan. It's been so weird since new years. Not between me and him. Just me. Everyone proposed to their girlfriends on New Years Eve. I wasn't there to see Donna propose to Meagan, which sucks. It was nice to see but him and I kind of sat there and he apologized for not proposing to me. We've only been dating 13 months so it would be too early. Our parents would kill us. And we aren't even out of school yet. I dunno. I don't know what my problem is. I hate it when break comes around cause I miss him more and more. I think my biggest problem is that I really do wanna marry him and yet we can't right now. It's right there and I wanna grab at it but if we did we'd be stupid. We don't have jobs, a place to live, nothing. We don't even have degrees yet. It's just really hard and it gets harder during the break. I'm doing a little better but at the same time I've been having a rough time since New Years.

South Carolina Day1

Made it to Dad's just fine today. It's a 9 hour trip and i made it in 7 1/2 hours. Pretty proud of myself too lol. It's nice out here. Still cold but better than Maryland. It was a nice trip riding with Lucy. We actually talked about a lot and we never fought once. We got to Dad's around 2:45. He made Chicken and Dumplings for dinner. Mmmm so good!!! We had turtle pie after that which was delicious. We also opened up our presents for Christmas. I got the Axiom 25!! For those who don't know what that is it's basically a synthesizer to record my music. It's red and pretty. I hooked up everything and downloaded all the stuff I needed but I have to have certain chords to hear the sounds come through. Well, one of my chords is at home and the other is up at school so boo on that. I'm still excited though. I can do so much with this and I can hopefully start recording all my stuff and then some. I'm still back and forth about this whole major change but Dad didn't seem to freak when I mentioned something to him which was nice. I need to do some research and make some phone calls tomorrow and find out some stuff cause if I can still get my masters with the liberal studies major then I think I'm gonna go ahead and do it.
           We're just relaxing now watching the Bengals/Jets game so I'll probably head off to bed soon cause it's been a long day. I hope I can talk to Kienan though cause I really miss him :-(

2010, New year, New Beginnings

Happy new year :-) I haven't been on here in forever. So much has changed since this past summer. New boyfriend, new home. I'm still at Frostburg though. I'm a senior this year but I may have to be there for an extra year. I honestly don't know what to do right now. I have to decide whether or not I want to keep my major or change it to Liberal Studies with an Emphasis in Music. It's just been a rough road and I need to know what I should do considering I don't want to sing the music they teach me. I really want to sing my own music or send it off and have someone sing it for me. Honestly in the long run I want to start a family. I want to marry Kienan and share a home with him and have kids with him and be the family I know we can be.

I can't believe we've been dating for a year and a month. I've never been with someone for this long. It's been the best relationship I've had with anyone. It's not perfect but nothing is and I shouldn't expect perfection out of it. I spent the week with him out at his place. It was so nice. Yea his parents were around but I felt like we could do whatever we want and not have people worrying about us. I enjoyed it so much.

I'm going down to Dad's tomorrow so it's not like I can unpack anything lol. It'll be nice though. I haven't seen him since this summer. I think I get to see him only about twice a year. I do miss him sometimes but then again sometimes it doesn't phase me. I love my Dad very much but I've grown up always living with one parent. He has his life down in South Carolina. I don't hate him for that at all. I can't say the same for my sisters.

So it's the new year and I haven't made any resolutions. Guess I should do that now.

1. Worry less about the little things

2. Stop smoking'

3. Eat healthier

4. Finish everything that I start (unless it's a really bad fight lol)

5. Don't take things out on my family and my boyfriend

6. Make a plan for my career

7. Get my music recorded, copyrighted, and published

8. Love myself and others more

I think that's a good list. I want to stick to this. I have seriously let my emotions get the best of me and take over my life so I don't want to allow that anymore. It's a good start :-)

Happy New Year!!!