Update

I sit here not knowing how to feel right now. There are so many things going through my head and I ask myself how am I going to clear it all out by the time I have to go to bed. I messed up big time. I got a letter from FSU saying that because I pretty much dropped and failed classes, they are taking my financial aid away. I freaked. I can't have money taken away from me and I can't go home without a degree in my hands. This is not how this works. I wrote a letter today to appeal my financial aid. I hope they take it.

There are so many things I need to fix this summer. For starters, my attitude. I can't keep going on like this getting mad at everyone all the time and crying every five minutes. I don't have time for that and it's a waste of energy. I also need to figure out how I can stop myself from being a jealous girlfriend. Kienan and I talked about this today but that hasn't stopped me from being upset right now. I hate this. I let so many things in my past affect my relationship today. I know he won't do anything. Still bothers me though....don't know why. 

I need to fix my health. I eat nothing but garbage every day and it's getting to me. I can't fit half of my jeans anymore and I don't have the money to go and buy new clothes. I refuse to buy anything larger. It should be going down, not up. I will say that I'm grateful because I started my new job which makes me happy because I am keeping myself busy. Who can complain about that? I wish I could just have a fresh start, just wipe everything clean and go from the beginning. It would make my life so much easier.

I question a lot of things these days. I feel like everything has to be proved to me or I won't believe it or there has to be a good reason for something otherwise it has no purpose to me. I question Kienan a lot about why he is with me. And it's not that I question him using me or anything like that. It's about him staying with me even though I tend to cause a lot of problems and upset with him. I love him so much and that's one reason I want to change my attitude. I know I need to do it for myself but he is very good motivation.

So tired.... I need to clear my head.