New Years Eve

So I'm sitting in Bowie on computer watching my boyfriend play video games on his xbox and I realize that maybe this is a good time for me to reflect. This year has gone by so fast and has been a year I think I won't forget, even if I wanted to. People have been lost this year, fights have occured and friends have been split apart. But at the same time I feel like I have found new friends who are very dear to me, I have become a more responsible person for myself. I have worked hard to make sure that my new year will be something that turns my lifestyle into something healthy and happy.

I know this is something selfish to say but I feel as though I have not done enough for myself. My priorities for others and other responsibilities have led me off track. I almost lost my chance to stay in college. I will never let that happen again. I can't. It's not an option. I am working to be a healthier person and a happier person. I know it will take time but I think that involves taking care of myself and my thoughts first. While some people may think it's selfish, I think it's my only solution. I don't know how many times I've heard "You can't help anyone unless ou help yourself first". I want to make this new year my happiest yet.

I want to be able to talk to people without having to turn it into something bad or having them think to themselves "When will she shut up?" I want to be a better person overall.

Winter Break

So far break has been pretty good. I still have a lot to do though. I have to get all of my music learned and memorized (even though I don't have half of it and can't afford to buy it). I also have to do my program notes so I can submit them to my teacher and our music department. I want it all done so I can relax and enjoy my semester. All of this last minute stuff is going to end now. I can't handle all of that. On a good note I got a higher GPA this semester which makes me pretty happy. I only got 1 D which I need to fix for next semester but I didn't fail any of my classes, thank God.

I've also been working on a few things where my personal health is concerned. The binder is mostly finished which is a good thing considering it took me forever. I've been making slight changes to my lifestyle and routine to give myself better hygiene and a better feeling about myself. I make sure I brush my teeth every day, in the morning and at night. I am terrible about sticking to that routine. I also make sure I take a shower either every day or at least every other day. I like baths so I take a bath more often but I know that's not exactly doing the trick. I take my contacts out every night so that I don't get a disease in my eye. I also make sure that I get up at a decent hour so that I don't miss my entire day. I still have problems going to bed at night but I'm sure I'll figure that out. I also need to stop taking naps in the middle of the day. I only do it though because I get bored.  I feel like my life is turning out a lot better though. One thing that's really important to me is drinking a lot of water. I love water and I know it's good for me but sometimes I let temptation of juice and soda get in the way. The only problem is I have to go to the bathroom a lot. Oh well. That's a small sacrifice I'll make to be healthy. I can't wait to go back to school and start my new lifestyle. If I can make these small changes now, then I can do anything and nothing can stop me. That's my new motto I keep repeating to myself.

NOTHING CAN STOP ME EVER!!!!

Jokes

I know people are trying to joke and have fun with me but it still bothers me. I feel like when a person makes a serious change in their life, people can only joke about it. It sucks and hurts my feelings. I'm trying something new and I'm working really hard to make a change in my lifestyle and people want to do nothing but shoot it down. I don't say anything about your life so stay out of mine. Thanks!!!

Where am I going?

I am 22 years old, almost out of college, and unhealthy. I can't even walk very far without running out of breath and feeling like I'm going to pass out. What is going on? I know what it is... I let myself get this way because I didn't care about myself. I am sick and on antibiotics right now and I shouldn't have to be. It makes me sick to my stomach and feel drowsy all day...

So now I ask myself, "Where am I going?". Am I going in a direction where I will be at risk with diabetes because it runs in my family? Or am I going to stop being lazy and care about the number 1 person in my life.... ME. I saw my grandfather over Thanksgiving weekend and he looked terrible. He won't eat, won't get up, won't go anywhere, won't do anything unless someone forces him to. He's given up. I know he has reasons but I can't accept that. You should never give up. There are reasons to be healthy. I want to live a happy and healthy life and I can't wait for someone to hand that to me. I'm going to have to do this myself. I've given up about 3 times now and it's a horrible feeling of failure. I've learned what I've done wrong and what I've been missing.

So here's how it's gonna go. I have a binder filled with all of the information I need for the Eat Clean Diet. I also have pages for motivation, as well as something I like to call the "Reality Check-List". There's no going back from here. I've had people tell me they love me just the way I am. That's great but I would love me too if I was able to get up in the morning and have energy, feel more confident with my looks, not have to keep buying bigger sizes in clothes. That's not me. I will not be 160 pounds wearing size 13 jeans for the rest of my life. Just not going to happen. This is my promise to myself. I don't care if I don't have a six-pack but I do care if my BMI is down to the right number and I can walk around comfortably in clothes that make feel amazing.

It's gonna happen. There's no stopping me now.

My first day eating clean

So today I started my first day of eating clean and I love it. I love the food that I'm eating. I love the fact that I'm taking the time to not be lazy and make my own food. It makes me so happy. I'm doing something for myself and it makes me happy. I even got up early today and worked out for 40 minutes. I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. I will say I do feel a little foolish for having a breakdown in the middle of the Wal-Mart yesterday. I was so worried because I was mad at myself for spending all of my money but the food will last me so I'm happy about that. I'm gonna have to get used to drinking so much water cause that's just crazy to be drinking all of that. I'm happy though. Happier than I have been in a long time.

Update

I sit here not knowing how to feel right now. There are so many things going through my head and I ask myself how am I going to clear it all out by the time I have to go to bed. I messed up big time. I got a letter from FSU saying that because I pretty much dropped and failed classes, they are taking my financial aid away. I freaked. I can't have money taken away from me and I can't go home without a degree in my hands. This is not how this works. I wrote a letter today to appeal my financial aid. I hope they take it.

There are so many things I need to fix this summer. For starters, my attitude. I can't keep going on like this getting mad at everyone all the time and crying every five minutes. I don't have time for that and it's a waste of energy. I also need to figure out how I can stop myself from being a jealous girlfriend. Kienan and I talked about this today but that hasn't stopped me from being upset right now. I hate this. I let so many things in my past affect my relationship today. I know he won't do anything. Still bothers me though....don't know why. 

I need to fix my health. I eat nothing but garbage every day and it's getting to me. I can't fit half of my jeans anymore and I don't have the money to go and buy new clothes. I refuse to buy anything larger. It should be going down, not up. I will say that I'm grateful because I started my new job which makes me happy because I am keeping myself busy. Who can complain about that? I wish I could just have a fresh start, just wipe everything clean and go from the beginning. It would make my life so much easier.

I question a lot of things these days. I feel like everything has to be proved to me or I won't believe it or there has to be a good reason for something otherwise it has no purpose to me. I question Kienan a lot about why he is with me. And it's not that I question him using me or anything like that. It's about him staying with me even though I tend to cause a lot of problems and upset with him. I love him so much and that's one reason I want to change my attitude. I know I need to do it for myself but he is very good motivation.

So tired.... I need to clear my head.

Spring Break

I remember why I'm not a big fan of coming home. Nothing to do with my mom or anything. Just really bored. I used to have something to do every night. I've been watching movies all day and I feel so useless. I wanna write music but I'm still having writers block. I can't do anything I normally do because of the internet here. Another bummer. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something more to do. I miss Kienan too. That's another reason why I have something to do, cause of him. I guess I should start finding things by myself.