My first day eating clean

So today I started my first day of eating clean and I love it. I love the food that I'm eating. I love the fact that I'm taking the time to not be lazy and make my own food. It makes me so happy. I'm doing something for myself and it makes me happy. I even got up early today and worked out for 40 minutes. I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. I will say I do feel a little foolish for having a breakdown in the middle of the Wal-Mart yesterday. I was so worried because I was mad at myself for spending all of my money but the food will last me so I'm happy about that. I'm gonna have to get used to drinking so much water cause that's just crazy to be drinking all of that. I'm happy though. Happier than I have been in a long time.

Update

I sit here not knowing how to feel right now. There are so many things going through my head and I ask myself how am I going to clear it all out by the time I have to go to bed. I messed up big time. I got a letter from FSU saying that because I pretty much dropped and failed classes, they are taking my financial aid away. I freaked. I can't have money taken away from me and I can't go home without a degree in my hands. This is not how this works. I wrote a letter today to appeal my financial aid. I hope they take it.

There are so many things I need to fix this summer. For starters, my attitude. I can't keep going on like this getting mad at everyone all the time and crying every five minutes. I don't have time for that and it's a waste of energy. I also need to figure out how I can stop myself from being a jealous girlfriend. Kienan and I talked about this today but that hasn't stopped me from being upset right now. I hate this. I let so many things in my past affect my relationship today. I know he won't do anything. Still bothers me though....don't know why. 

I need to fix my health. I eat nothing but garbage every day and it's getting to me. I can't fit half of my jeans anymore and I don't have the money to go and buy new clothes. I refuse to buy anything larger. It should be going down, not up. I will say that I'm grateful because I started my new job which makes me happy because I am keeping myself busy. Who can complain about that? I wish I could just have a fresh start, just wipe everything clean and go from the beginning. It would make my life so much easier.

I question a lot of things these days. I feel like everything has to be proved to me or I won't believe it or there has to be a good reason for something otherwise it has no purpose to me. I question Kienan a lot about why he is with me. And it's not that I question him using me or anything like that. It's about him staying with me even though I tend to cause a lot of problems and upset with him. I love him so much and that's one reason I want to change my attitude. I know I need to do it for myself but he is very good motivation.

So tired.... I need to clear my head.

Spring Break

I remember why I'm not a big fan of coming home. Nothing to do with my mom or anything. Just really bored. I used to have something to do every night. I've been watching movies all day and I feel so useless. I wanna write music but I'm still having writers block. I can't do anything I normally do because of the internet here. Another bummer. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have something more to do. I miss Kienan too. That's another reason why I have something to do, cause of him. I guess I should start finding things by myself.

Blah

I'm feeling a little unmotivated right now. I'm not sure why but I'm getting to that point where I'm starting to lose focus. I don't know what to do to get myself back there again. Do I need to just give myself a good kick in the ass or what? I have to work out tomorrow, there's no doubt about that. I have to do this because if I don't I'm going to disappoint so many people and most of all myself. I can't do that, especially to my family and myself. I'm not quitting something else this time. I'm going to finish it this time. I just need to get back on the horse I guess.
It's been a little weird this week with the Music department. People are just all over the place with emotions and attitudes. I don't understand how hard it is to just go to class and deal with what's going on there. I've learned how to do it, now it's your turn. At this point I'm just gonna have to ignore it and do the things I would like to do because it's only gonna get worse. Playing favorites has come into the program. Who'd have thought that would have happened? I keep thinking that maybe I should say something but then again I'm sitting there thinking "Why start trouble?" I don't want to cause trouble but sometimes I feel like I need to take action on certain things. It just gets so repetitive and I get so tired of it. We'll see how things go I guess. Right now I just need to make it through my classes and worry about myself and not pay attention to petty shit. It's high school crap that I don't want to deal with.
So far I'm doing ok with my classes. I think I'm gonna have to drop the online class though cause that's something that I would have to give all of my attention to when I don't have 6 other classes going on. It's a very difficult course to keep up with and I already have a lot on my plate as far as my course schedule is concerned.
I should go to sleep but I'm having a hard time closing my eyes. Just keep trying I guess.

New Idea

So I may not be on here for a little while because I've started another blog. I know, I have way too many journals. This one is different though. I'm trying to do a blog about transformation. I'm transforming myself. I am trying this thing called P90X. It's very different. Looks very tough, but is very exciting. I actually have a little competition going with a friend of mine for motivation. I start today so I'm really excited. I've even gone grocery shopping for healthy food!! I have done pretty well so far. I had an egg white omelet this morning with spinach and mushrooms and a glass of milk. It was really good. I don't think I've ever had egg whites before as an omelet. I really enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to this transformation and I hope it not only helps my healthy lifestyle but my life in focus.

Back to School

So I'll be heading back to school tomorrow. I'm pretty happy to be going but at the same time I'm pretty scared. I've taken care of everything as far as the fraternity and classes and everything else on my list. I still have a lot more to do and now my true mission is to make it through the semester and pass all of my classes as well as do my duty of president at a 100% level. I want to stay focused and I'm gonna try every day to make sure that happens. I also want to make sure I eat healthy and stay in shape. I know he likes my "curves" and all that good stuff but I want to be back in shape so I won't be tired all the time. I'll still have my curves, cause I'm a Ragland and the curves don't ever go away lol. I'm looking forward to it all and I think things will be good but I have to make them good and make it all happen.

What a day...

This has been a crazy day. I woke up at 7 this morning with pain in my pelvis and I couldn't seem to get myself to leave the bathroom. It was awful. I woke my mom up which I felt really bad for. She ended up having to take me to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning. We didn't leave there until 11:30. It was ridiculous. They took my blood pressure three times, which I hate because it always squeezes my arm. My blood pressure was a little low which is weird. I haven't been eating bad but it may be because I haven't eaten enough. I didn't get to eat much yesterday except for some chips and a bowl of soup. I didn't get to eat today until around 12:30 when Mom and I finally got home. They gave me 3 different medications, which is weird because I won't take one of them. I think that medication is for back pain in my kidney area, which I told them that I  wasn't having any pain there, just in my pelvic area. Weird. Glad it's over though.
It scares me that I keep having this problem over and over again. They told me that I could have a tilted uterus. Kim has one too and apparently sometimes that can cause problems with having children. I have to go and see a gynocologist this summer to get checked out and figure out if that is the issue. I just can't wait for this feeling to go away. I hate having a UTI. It's the worst feeling in the world.