My first day eating clean

So today I started my first day of eating clean and I love it. I love the food that I'm eating. I love the fact that I'm taking the time to not be lazy and make my own food. It makes me so happy. I'm doing something for myself and it makes me happy. I even got up early today and worked out for 40 minutes. I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. I will say I do feel a little foolish for having a breakdown in the middle of the Wal-Mart yesterday. I was so worried because I was mad at myself for spending all of my money but the food will last me so I'm happy about that. I'm gonna have to get used to drinking so much water cause that's just crazy to be drinking all of that. I'm happy though. Happier than I have been in a long time.

Update

I sit here not knowing how to feel right now. There are so many things going through my head and I ask myself how am I going to clear it all out by the time I have to go to bed. I messed up big time. I got a letter from FSU saying that because I pretty much dropped and failed classes, they are taking my financial aid away. I freaked. I can't have money taken away from me and I can't go home without a degree in my hands. This is not how this works. I wrote a letter today to appeal my financial aid. I hope they take it.

There are so many things I need to fix this summer. For starters, my attitude. I can't keep going on like this getting mad at everyone all the time and crying every five minutes. I don't have time for that and it's a waste of energy. I also need to figure out how I can stop myself from being a jealous girlfriend. Kienan and I talked about this today but that hasn't stopped me from being upset right now. I hate this. I let so many things in my past affect my relationship today. I know he won't do anything. Still bothers me though....don't know why. 

I need to fix my health. I eat nothing but garbage every day and it's getting to me. I can't fit half of my jeans anymore and I don't have the money to go and buy new clothes. I refuse to buy anything larger. It should be going down, not up. I will say that I'm grateful because I started my new job which makes me happy because I am keeping myself busy. Who can complain about that? I wish I could just have a fresh start, just wipe everything clean and go from the beginning. It would make my life so much easier.

I question a lot of things these days. I feel like everything has to be proved to me or I won't believe it or there has to be a good reason for something otherwise it has no purpose to me. I question Kienan a lot about why he is with me. And it's not that I question him using me or anything like that. It's about him staying with me even though I tend to cause a lot of problems and upset with him. I love him so much and that's one reason I want to change my attitude. I know I need to do it for myself but he is very good motivation.

So tired.... I need to clear my head.